USA vs. Panama Match Diary and Player Ratings

We've righted the ship, so let's not run the ship aground in the canal

If we win this game, then qualifying will officially be going well. 11 points after five games is right where you want to be. We should remember that two of our last three games are away to Mexico and away to Costa Rica, so getting the results we’re supposed to get before those games will take the pressure off. After 2018, if we go to Costa Rica needing a result on the last day of qualifying, I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to watch that match.

Antonee Robinson, Zack Steffen, and Weston McKennie aren’t available, because if they go to Panama, Covid protocols will force them to miss time with their club teams. You see: It’s too risky to go to Panama. If you go, you have to quarantine for ten days before returning to the UK — imagine if Covid made it to the UK! So, instead, the players will stay in the US — where there’s no Covid — and then share buses, hotel rooms, and locker rooms with the players who did go to Panama. I’m glad these highly-logical protocols are in place; they make me feel safe.

Tonight’s lineup:

Weah | Zardes | Arriola

Lletget | Acosta | Musah

Bello | McKenzie | Zimmerman | Moore

Turner

That’s A LOT rotating. Too much rotating, in my opinion. I’m all for resting guys when you’ve got a short turnaround and Guy A is roughly the same as Guy B, but, personally, I’d put Adams, Pepi, and Dest on the field. And I know what I’m talking about, because — though I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before — I’ve got extensive managerial experience via FIFA Football Manager 2014. This is true: I won the Champions League with Grimsby. Grimsby!¹ So, Greg Berhalter should listen when I speak.

You see: You need to not only pay attention to the green/yellow fitness doohickey on the right, but also the green/yellow form thingamabob on the left. This is how you manage a soccer team.

Here’s kickoff from an actual, quality-looking soccer pitch, so all credit to Panama…

1’ - I’m watching this game on — ugh — Paramount Plus. Because apparently FIFA has given each qualifier to a different network, so I have to add every sports network in existence one-at-a-time. I already have Fox Soccer Scam and Univision 6 and FuboMoldova, not to mention fucking Peacock, which gets me the Premier League and a bunch of Suddenly Susan reruns. And now I have Paramount Plus, which is already proving to be a glitchy interface with a disorganized home page that gets me this match, Paw Patrol, and episodes of Survivor from the ‘90s. What a brave new world we’re living in.

18’ - The pace of play is slow. Or at least: Our pace of play is slow — Panama seem to be okay. I haven’t heard any mention of how hot it is there. The Paramount Plus Pregame (I call it “the P3”) brought us 19 different features, including a completely-useless breakdown of the first goal from Wednesday (the breakdown in a nutshell: The players passed the ball), but no mention of the field temperature.

22’ - The US earn their first sort-of chance of the game — Musah beats his man and a cross is played in for Arriola, who can’t reach it. So, that was good, except for the part where scoring depended on the shortest guy on the field getting his head on the cross.

26’ - Some excitement from Tuner — he flaps at a corner, but gets away with it! And on the next corner: Almost the same thing! Not great! By the way: Since Steffen can’t travel, Tony Meola is the backup tonight.

31’ - Weah plays a pass that misses his target by…oh…about 40 yards. We’re playing a lot of long balls that aren’t on, and we’re playing them badly.

34’ - Save by Turner! Though it wouldn’t have counted, because the player was offside. So: Do I give Turner credit for a save on a goal that wouldn’t have counted? Probably not. But the call might have been wrong — what about that? I think the answer is: The player ratings are a highly-subjective exercise from a comedian who didn’t play beyond the high school level, so don’t worry about it.

44’ - Turner makes a save off of a move that started from a ball he gave away. So, minus .5 for the giveaway, plus .5 for the save, and the universe is back in equilibrium.

Half time: 0-0. What a shitty first half. Truly a flat, uninspired showing full of D-minus soccer. I’m going to cite the theory I promoted before the Honduras match: Because international soccer is basically what these guys do on their week off, and because everyone figures that the US will find some way to qualify, these players don’t really kick into gear until things get dicey. We’ve won two in a row — things are looking up. So, now they’re free to play like shit until things start to look scary again.

46’ - Berhalter makes some “whoopsie daisy!” subs: Adams and Aaronson on for Musah and Arriola. Okay…closer, but I really don’t feel that Musah was the problem. Weah has been garbage tonight.

47’ - That first half might have been the most boring thing ever broadcast on Paramount Plus, and Paramount Plus has The Baywatch Movie.

52’ - This match is an affront to the senses. Maybe I should watch this on Paramount Plus instead:

1915!!! A legit silent movie! Between that, The Talk, and reruns of JAG, I don’t know which Paramount Plus content I want to enjoy first!

53’ - Watch this stupid match diary come back to spike a TV deal between me and Paramount Plus two years from now.

54’ - GOAL PANAMA! Now those almost-goals off of corner kicks in the first half seem like foreshadowing! The ball’s whipped in to the near post, and Zardes becomes a Panamanian hero by heading it in. Well…a striker’s job is to put the ball in the back of the net.

60’ - In response to the goal, we have upped our game by three percent.

62’ - Aaronson wants a foul for a push in the box, which is adorable. The odds of you getting that call on the road in CONCACAF are the same as the odds of Marianne Williamson becoming a two-term president.

68’ - More subs: Yedlin, Roldan, and Pepi in for Moore, Weah, and Zardes. I’ll give Berhalter credit: He tends to admit it when he’s wrong. Unfortunately, he was very wrong tonight.

75 - We’re in the fake injury/ball boy shenanigans portion of the match now, and the down time has allowed me to learn that not only has MacGyver been rebooted: It’s apparently in it’s fifth season.

Why do I bother writing original pilots? I obviously should be writing “Doctor Quinn JUNIOR, Medicine Woman”.

84’ - Head injuries have paused the game for about five minutes now, which should result in about 10-12 seconds of stoppage time.

90’ + 5’ - Now people are running onto the pitch and wasting time, but none of it matters: We haven’t come remotely close to scoring. We have five shots, none of them on goal. A pathetic performance.

FULL TIME: 1-0 Panama. Completely embarrassing. We played a lazy, shitty game and deserved to get beaten. Well, we have eight points after five games, which is not good, so I guess now we’ll start playing again!

Ratings:

Berhalter: 2. George Bello is a major downgrade from Sergino Dest. Sebastian Lletget is a major downgrade from Tyler Adams. Gyasi Zardes even seems to be a major downgrade from Ricardo Pepi. Berhalter prioritized fresh legs, and he got it all wrong.

Turner: 3. His first bad game in a USMNT shirt. I’ve never seen him look that lost in the air.

Bello: 4. A bit loose with his passing. I might just type that nine more times — nobody could pass tonight.

McKenzie: 4.5. Honestly, he was okay. Resorted to the long ball a bit too frequently.

Zimmerman: 5.5. One of the guys playing on a few days rest, and one of the guys who played okay.

Moore: 3.5. How many crosses did he have tonight…two, maybe? And zero dangerous crosses.

Acosta: 3.5. He normally helps establish a rhythm that gets the offense clicking, but he was plagued by bad touches and bad decisions tonight.

Musah: 5. Was one of the only midfield players who had any success advancing the ball.

Lletget: 3. I feel like he didn’t get into spots where he could be dangerous; just about every time he got the ball, he was facing away from goal.

Weah: 2.5. He wasn’t just missing passes, he was missing them by miles. His precision was Nuke LaLoosh-esque tonight.

Arriola: 3.5. Not at all effective, and remember: I’m biased in his favor because he’s DC United.

Zardes: 3. Bring back Pepi. Hell, bring back Josh Sargent or Daryl Dike. Hell, bring back Joe Max Moore.

Aaronson: 4. One of the livelier players on the pitch, which tonight was like being one of the more livelier corpses in the cemetery.

Adams: 5. We actually started to have some possession once he came in, and we actually ended the game with a 51/49 possession advantage even though Panama had a 59/41 advantage at half time.

Pepi: 4. I have been writing as if he was the answer to all our problems, but honestly he didn’t change the game much.

Yedlin: 4. Not any more effective than Moore.

Roldan: 4. Add him to the long list of guys who couldn’t help us control the game in any meaningful way.

1. I did actually do this. It took me six years.