An Open Letter to the White House Communications Staff Who Put a Tweet From a Radical Environmental Group on Their Web Page

Respectfully: What are you doing, ya morons?

Photo from Cottonbro Studio.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a Biden supporter who is greatly concerned about climate change (I worked for the EPA for nine years). A highly questionable decision by someone on your communications team recently came to my attention. I am writing in the hope that the person who committed this lapse in judgement will be relieved of their duties so that they may be free to pursue a career more suited to their skillset, such as being a scarecrow, or being used as ballast on a ship.

Some background is needed: Last week, the White House delayed approval of a natural gas export terminal to study its environmental impact. I am indifferent about this decision, as it may actually increase greenhouse gas emissions. My priority vis-a-vis climate change is to enact effective policies that reduce global emissions. Substantially less important to me is the ability to post an all-caps tweet celebrating a symbolic “victory” that might actually make things worse.

But the policy merits of your decision are not the subject of this letter. I am writing to question the wisdom of one, specific decision that your communications team made in support of this action. As part of the White House’s announcement, you posted statements from various figures and groups praising the decision. 85 quotes were posted. This was one of them:

My question to the White House communications team is: Are you so bad at your jobs that you posted praise from Climate Defiance without knowing who they are, or are you so bad at your jobs that you posted the Climate Defiance quote even though you do know who they are?

Because here’s who Climate Defiance are, in their own words:

Climate Defiance practice the form of protest that some people call “direct action”, but that most people call “being a total cock to random bystanders”. They relish shutting down events, including White House events (reminder: You work at the White House). They have blocked roads and tweeted approvingly of vandalizing art. They brag about doing “batshit crazy” actions (their words!) that create a “culture of fear”. Their “favorite saying” is “fuck around and find out”. There are few things that truly unite Americans; we live in a fractured culture with few points of agreement. But a visceral loathing of obnoxious shits like the half-wits at Climate Defiance might be the one thing that brings us all together.

So why is the White House advertising its connections with this group? Any link between the White House and Climate Defiance should be buried deeper than Jimmy Hoffa. But you willfully touted a connection, and bad news: conservative Twitter noticed. I think if you had posted a web page with 84 positive quotes, that would have gotten the job done. But you decided that 85 quotes were needed — I don’t know why. Maybe you were worried that you would tune into NBC on election night and hear Steve Kornacki say: “Biden would have won if the number of quotes on his natural gas page had been the product of two prime numbers, such as 85. But there were 84 quotes. What a rookie mistake.”

This error is inexcusable since communications materials — which I spent many years producing — are a low-upside endeavor. Nobody reads them. So, the first rule is: Do no harm. A good starting point would be to ensure that none of your materials contain swastikas, full frontal nudity, or glowing praise from highly-unpopular extremist groups. You failed this simple test! Which makes me wonder if other White House pages might contain stray Nazi symbols or dick pics that you accidentally uploaded from your phone.

I’m bothered by how badly you seem to misunderstand the politics of our moment. Extremist protesters are unpopular. Republicans have spent years — nay, generations — trying to tie Democrats to far-left groups. This is why most reporting on Climate Defiance comes from Fox News — they understand that left-wing wackos are bad for the Democratic brand. Democrats should loudly denounce these groups. Consider John Fetterman, who has been publicly feuding with left-wing protesters, and has seen his poll numbers shoot up. In a perfect world, Biden would walk onto the Truman Balcony, expose his testicles, and yell “Come lick ‘em, ya lefty freaks!” But since that’s unlikely (though, you can use that idea if you want!), the next best thing would be for the White House to simply not advertise when it is sympatico with a group of deluded, LARPing nincompoops.

The saddest part of this scenario is that you seem to think that Climate Defiance loons will vote for Biden. They will not. Because, again, you misunderstand the dynamic: Far left protesters’ entire political identity is defined by their opposition to mainstream Democrats. Read Climate Defiance’s Twitter: Most of their invective is directed towards “feeble moderates” and “the mushy middle”. They’ve called Biden a “criminal” and a “backstabber” who is “digging his own grave”. On January 15 — a month after White House adviser John Podesta granted the group a meeting — they called Biden the “white moderate” who Martin Luther King “warned us about.” Stop trying to appease these people — they will not be appeased! You are like a deluded, horny teenager who does the prom queen’s homework and somehow doesn’t realize that she’s stringing you along and will never, ever fuck you.

What should you say to disillusioned left-wing climate activists? I’d recommend this:

“We made the largest investment in green energy in world history. It was hard — getting that bill through Congress was like rectal birthing a manatee. And now that’s not good enough? Fuck you. The stuff you’re asking for isn’t just bad politics; it also won’t work. Climate change won’t be solved by restricting American production of fossil fuels, because we’re just one part of a global market. What WILL work is to speed the development of green technology, i.e. the thing Biden did. If you want to bitch and pout and elect Trump, who thinks that climate change is a hoax, then fine, fuck you. I guess that will just prove what most people think: That you don’t give two shits about the environment and are just engaged in some weird form of doomer cult cosplay.”

The White House should not pander to extremist morons like Climate Defiance. They are a cult. Normal people see that, and you should see it, too. I am disappointed by your actions, but let me be clear: I am not threatening to withhold my vote. Of course I’m going to vote for Biden, because I care about climate change and I’m not a total fucking moron. I’d appreciate it if you would spend less time responding to Climate Defiance’s concerns and more time responding to the concerns of people like me.

Sincerely,

Jeff Maurer

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