Which Uninspiring Dolt Might Save Democracy?
Reflections on the second GOP debate
Watching the first Republican debate was about as painful as lighting my pubes on fire. The candidates’ need to pander to even the most rabid primary voter lowered the debate to roughly the intellectual level of a drunk guy fighting a parking meter. But it occurred to me that my writeup may have provided a public service. Because, after all: Nobody wanted to watch that shit. Nobody should have watched that shit. So, I’m thinking that I might make a habit of watching this shit, so that you, the mark reader, may spend your time on healthier endeavors such as huffing glue or poking dangerous animals with sticks.
I do think that this primary is vitally important. I continue to believe that the only way we’ll ever truly be rid of Trump short of death — either his death or the death of everyone on Earth except him — is if he loses the Republican primary. But the question remains as to whether any of the candidates who took the stage on Wednesday night can beat him. One candidate who debated in August has already fallen off the pace: Former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson failed to meet the RNC’s polling requirement to participate in the debate. Hutchinson vowed to fight on, though I’d argue that if you’re failing to capture the manic energy of the Doug Burgum campaign, it might not be your year.
My goals are twofold: 1) To crack some cheap jokes at the expense of this seven-sided freak show, and 2) To analyze how each candidate is trying to position themselves. I am not trying to determine who “won”; I accepted long ago that I don’t understand the mindset of the typical Republican primary voter. I do think that my instincts about messaging and strategy are basically sound; I think I can tell what angle each candidate is trying to play. But I have no opinion as to whether their strategies will work, because GOP primary voters are simply dialed into a different frequency than I am.
So, let’s do this whether we want to or not…
DOUG BURGUM
What he appeared to be doing: Making everyone wonder just how sad-ass Asa Hutchinson’s campaign must be for him to get edged off the stage by Doug Fucking Burgum.
Doug Burgum didn’t just mistakenly assume that any issue can be related to something that happened in North Dakota, a state populated mostly by snowmen and cows. He also demonstrated near-Trumpian levels of incoherent rambling. Even on a night when Incomprehensible Word Salad seemed to be the only item on the menu, Burgum stood out as muddled. He got a question about farming (FARMING! You won’t get a fatter softball than that, Doug!), and his 94-second answer touched on the following topics:
China > energy independence > cyber war > appeasement > Iranian hostages > nuclear proliferation > Middle East policy > Ukraine > Taiwan > the economy > energy policy again > climate change > petro-dictators
Also, at one point, Burgum “demanded” to be allowed to respond to a question about energy policy, and Fox appeared to cut his mic.