USA vs. Netherlands Match Diary and Player Ratings

This tournament got interesting earlier than expected

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Becky Sauerbrunn (top), Some Kid (bottom)

This is the strangest iteration of the USWNT I’ve seen in a long time. Normally, they seem like an unstoppable force, something between Jaws and the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. Even when they lost in Rio, it was a shock; they were good before that game. This team has looked uninspired; the only time we were dominant was against New Zealand, who spent the past 18 months playing pickup matches against Peter Jackson and a bunch of sheep.

If this team has another gear, we should see it now. Our mediocre group stage earned us a rematch of the WC 2019 final against the Netherlands. So, good news: Things get interesting now. Bad news: That’s not necessarily what you want.

Here’s the lineup:

Heath | Lloyd | Williams

Horan | Ertz | Sam Mewis

Dunn | Sauerbrunn | Dahlkemper | O’Hara

Naeher

Well: I did not expect Lynn Williams. We haven’t seen much of her this tournament. I’ve complained a bit that the incumbents seem to be immovable objects; this looks like Andonovski trying to break that trend.

So, there was a problem here: My DVR didn’t tape the first half.

As usual, I blame the Canadians: They went to extra time against Brazil, which must have caused NBC to bump USA-Netherlands to a different channel, because the recording that was supposed to be USA-Netherlands is Brazil-Canada. I have the second half in a different recording (I think that was supposed to be beach volleyball), but unfortunately I don’t have the first half.

Instead of waiting for the replay at 9PM ET, which I think is a Tuesday in October in Tokyo, I’m going to watch the first half highlights and write up the second half. The player ratings will be a bit random, but look: The player ratings are always a bit random. I try to pay attention and take notes on who did what, but I’m also usually googling Flight of the Conchords clips and trying to think of jokes about peoples’ hair. Sometimes, there’s a gentleman’s portion of bourbon in my system. But you already knew that, right? My sense is that people enjoy the player ratings as a fun conversation-starter and not as hard science.

I found the highlights on a very-off-brand foreign site that uploaded 100 viruses to my computer and gave Julian Assange control of my webcam. So here are my thoughts on the first-half goals:

18’ - 1-0 Netherlands. Good turn-and-shoot by the Dutch player; looks like our midfielders collapsed too deep into the box.

28’ - Williams found Mewis with a cross, who headed home. Real nice goal -- good assist, good finish.

31’ - Williams volleys home on the second phase of a corner. Good finish; it looks like she had an excellent game (that I didn’t see).

And now the part of the match I actually saw:

48’ - My favorite Dutch player is currently on the bench: Beerensteyn. Every time I hear her name, I think of this:

53’ - GOAL NETHERLANDS! 2-2. Naeher really could have done better there.

58’ - Line change: Morgan, Press, and Lavelle on for Lloyd, Heath, and Mewis. So there are three players I won’t be able to cover in the ratings.

62’ - We have a goal called off, and apparently that’s our SEVENTH goal negated because of offside in this tournament. If offsides were nonviolent drug offenses, we’d be on death row.

63’ - Rapinoe comes on for Heath. Arlo White says Heath was “excellent”, so there’s his player rating. Also: Here comes Beerensteyn for the Dutch!

68’ - Possession is 51-49. We’re just not dominating these teams like we used to.

70’ - Worth remembering: The Netherlands really wilted around the 70th minute in the WC final. They needed a goal but their legs just melted. We’ll see if that happens here.

79’ - PENALTY FOR THE NETHERLANDS! Beerensteyn was fouled -- here’s a visual approximation:

80’ - Martens will take it for the Dutch. She steps up…NAEHER MAKES THE SAVE! It’s a…um…it’s a good save from Naeher. Is it possible to make a PK save that’s, like, a nice solid save but not more? I feel like I’m being negative. Call up some sketchy Moldovan site and watch the replay; it’s a good save. Martens looked like she was kicking a medicine ball.

86’ - Naeher comes out quickly to claim a through ball! That came just after the Dutch sent a header inches wide. Normally, teams in this situation kick it aimlessly around in midfield and wait for extra time. These teams are going for it.

88’ - Rapinoe’s cross is almost deflected in for an own goal! That was a dangerous cross and Morgan was waiting, but a big, presumably-wooden Dutch boot got in the way.

END OF REGULAR TIME: 2-2. Bonus soccer! And more DVR chaos somewhere down the line -- if this bumps the Greece vs. Azerbaijan badminton match I was taping, I’m going to lose my shit.

94’ - Naeher pulls a Jordan Pickford and fails to clear the ball off the crossbar, but the goal is (correctly) ruled out for offside! If you’re not familiar with the low point of Jordan Pickford’s career, here it is (at 0:50):

102’ - Header saved by Naeher! Once again, we can’t handle a lofted ball. Naeher did well to bail us out.

108’ - Press scores the eighth ruled-out American goal of the tournament! They’re checking to see if Press’ shoulder was offside; Press has rolled up her sleeves in an act of anti-VAR civil disobedience. But it doesn’t work -- she’s off.

112’ - Morgan scores the NINTH offside goal. She was way, way, way off. I’m posting this again:

118’ - Just like at the end of regular time, both teams are GOING FOR IT.

END OF EXTRA TIME: 2-2. Shootout!

First Dutch penalty: Save Naeher! Now that’s an excellent penalty save.

First US penalty (Lavelle): GOAL! Cool as ice.

Second Dutch penalty: Goal. Sent Naeher the wrong way.

Second US penalty (Morgan): Goal! Carbon copy of the last Dutch penalty.

Third Dutch penalty: In off the post. Baller penalty, but two inches to the left: terrible penalty.

Third US penalty (Press): Goal! ‘Keeper goes the wrong way -- piece of cake.

Fourth Dutch penalty: Save Naeher! Just like the second penalty, high and to Naeher’s right!

Fourth US penalty -- this could win it. It’s Rapinoe…GOAL! TOP CORNER -- UNSTOPPABLE PENALTY!

We’re through to the semi-final! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the USMNT and USWNT advance in knockout tournaments in the span of a few hours.

Even-more-arbitrary-than-usual player ratings (these are really the second half + extra time ratings):

Andonovski: 7. Made a big move putting Williams in the lineup, but it seems like it worked out. Also: All four of our penalty-takers were subs, and all four scored. That seems like something.

Naeher: 7. I really don’t know how to rate such a Jekyll and Hyde performance. Good thing I already promised that the ratings would be extra-arbitrary!

Dunn: 6. Hung tough despite playing almost every minute of this tournament so far.

Sauerbrunn: 6. Made big tackles when she needed to.

Dahlkemper: 4.5. I’d like her to be a bit more assertive in the air; she got bullied a bit. Also got wrong-side pretty badly once and needed Ertz to bail her out.

O’Hara: 5. Contributed to the attack, but had a bit of trouble containing The Bear.

Ertz: 6. Mostly good but bears a bit of responsibility for both goals.

Horan: 7. It seems like our best moves usually go through her.

Sam Mewis: Not sure -- she’s not Canadian or Brazilian. 

Heath: Arlo White said she was excellent. 

Williams: She had a goal and an assist -- that can’t be bad, right? 

Lloyd: ???? 

Press: 6 + 1 for the PK. She stretched the Dutch defense but couldn’t find a finishing touch. Looked like her heart rate didn’t get above 70 on the penalty.

Lavelle: 6 + 1 for the PK. She’s best when the game is stretched. Continues to declare war on her shorts, like Press has done with her sleeves.

Rapinoe: 4.5 + 1 for the PK. Service wasn’t great and went to the cutback move a bit too often. Great penalty, though -- no ‘keeper alive is getting that one.

Morgan: 5 + 1 for the PK. Do we have a striker problem? Every time I see Lloyd, I think “let’s see Morgan”. Then Morgan plays, and I think “show me Lloyd again”. Before the tournament, I would have said “definitely Morgan”, but I’m not convinced.