USA vs. Australia Match Diary and Player Ratings

Time to find out what type of tournament this is going to be

Remember The Ladykillers? It was Tom Hanks in a Coen Brothers movie -- that can’t possibly miss, right? Well, it did. You won’t find a bigger Coen Brothers fan than me, but that one just didn’t leaven my bread. I had to wonder: Are the Coen Brothers losing their touch, or was that was just a weird one-off?

It was just a weird one-off. Some of their best stuff came after that. So: Was the Sweden match a one-off, Ladykillers-type event, or a sign of deeper problems? This match will go a long way towards answering that question.

The lineup:

Rapinoe | Morgan | Press

Sam Mewis | Ertz | Lavelle

Dunn | Davidson | Sauerbrunn | O’Hara

Naeher

Not many surprises here. Heath’s coming back from an injury; you can’t make her play three matches in a week, especially because she’s disgustingly old (33!). And I think you have to give Dahlkemper some time off to drink enough absinthe to forget the last match.

Here’s kickoff from a cavernous, haunting reminder that the pandemic isn’t over yet (the stadium is completely empty)…

7’ - Morgan breaks free, but shoots right at the goalkeeper! So we know that she’s got those defenders for pace. Speaking as a very slow defensive player, I’d like to highlight how much a moment like that sticks in your head.

12’ - We’re losing possession 62-38, and Davidson just passed the ball straight out of bounds. What team is this?

21’ - Australia off the crossbar! The ball’s spending a lot of time in our penalty area. This is a real World War I situation: The stage is set for trouble, all that needs to happen is a spark (in this metaphor, a hand ball is the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand).

28’ - We have one shot, and it was Morgan’s tame effort off a breakaway. This is like a transit project in a major city: Substantial time has passed, but we haven’t built a goddamned thing.

30’ - The ball’s in the net, but Alex Morgan was offside! Looking at the replay: It was tight. She’s called off, but it’s not like Carly Lloyd the other night, who was drifting so far offside she was in danger of being arrested for trespassing.

37’ - Rapinoe gets called for a foul, and she’s so angry she kicks the ball away (and gets a yellow card). Even though…Megan, come on. You actually committed two fouls on that play. There were two players available, and you definitely fouled both of them -- you can’t blame the ref for that one.

42’ - Here’s my Grand Unified Theory of the problem: Our midfielders are just too high. Here we are in possession:

Who’s available? Ertz. Nobody else. It’s easy to mark one player, and Rapinoe, Lavelle, Mewis, and Press are simply too high. This isn’t only a problem on offense; Press and Rapinoe aren’t doing much defensive work, leaving us outnumbered in midfield. I guess this is what happens when 70 percent of your matches are one-way-traffic goal fests: Your wingers hang out by the goal and wait for a hat trick to drop to their feet.

44’ - Morgan plays in Press, but she can’t find the angle! The only good news is that we’ve shown some threat on the counter. Though I don’t think we came into this tournament thinking of ourselves as a counter-attacking team.

HALF TIME: 0-0. Possession: 60-40 Australia. Shots: 5-3 Australia. Sweden is looking less like a Ladykillers-type one-off and more like an Arrested Development Season Four first sign that something has changed.

56’ - This is getting Ladykillers-level boring -- does either team care about this game? This is what happens when both teams are basically through and it’s not clear that a win will get you an easier team in the next round.

57’ - On that play, Australia sprung the offside trap and caught literally the majority of our team offside. Time to post this:

65’ - I padded out the New Zealand match diary with some Flight of the Conchords clips, and my GOD this match diary needs padding out! So, for the Australia match, here’s some Clarke and Dawes:

64’ - Horan on for Mewis, Heath in for Rapinoe. Those are “setting ourselves up for the next round” substitutions -- we’re trying to keep our key players sharp but not too tired.

73’ - Lloyd on for Morgan, Williams on for Press. Might as well see Williams -- maybe she gives a shit about this match.

74’ - And Williams is offside. She’ll fit right in.

78’ - In chess, you can offer your opponent a draw…can we just do this here? Even Arlo White and Julie Foudy -- whose job is to hype the match beyond the point of sanity -- are openly joking about how both teams are fine with 0-0.

80’ - It seems that Rose Lavelle would like smaller shorts; she’s always pulling at them, rolling them up. I don’t know if any person or rule is standing in the way of Lavelle’s shorts aspirations, but there shouldn’t be. The Norwegian Beach Handball Team would like to wear bigger shorts; let them. Rose Lavelle would like smaller shorts; let her have them. Let athletes wear what they want.

FULL TIME: 0-0. Realistically, this match ended about a half hour ago.

Ratings:

Vlatko Andonovski: 4. His lineup choices are fine, but this team is sleepwalking, and I think you have to put a lot of that on the coach.

Naher: 6. Had a few routine saves to make and she made them.

Dunn: 5. Sure.

Davidson: 5. K.

Sauerbrunn: 6. Why not?

O’Hara: 5. I s’pose.

The situation with the whole back line is basically this: They had routine work to do and they did it. Sauerbrunn was the most authoritative of the group. Moving on…

Ertz: 6. At least she was her normal dominating presence on defense.

Sam Mewis: 4. Does she have another gear that will show up in the second round? I’m wondering that about a lot of players.

Lavelle: 5. She was basically playing as a second striker. I suppose we should credit her for soldiering on in spite of those humongous, billowy shorts.

Press: 4. It’s clear that nobody cared about this match, but I’d like to see a bit more from her since she’s in a positional battle with Rapinoe and Heath.

Rapinoe: 4. She doesn’t have the pace that she used to; when her passing is sloppy, she’s just not very useful.

Morgan: 4. She still hasn’t connected with the midfield at any point in the tournament.

Horan, Heath, Lloyd, Williams, Kristie Mewis: NR. I wouldn’t normally give players who were on for 30 minutes no rating, but at that point this wasn’t a soccer match, this was just getting some fresh air. Even some players who were on for 90 probably deserve no rating.