Trump Winning a Second Non-consecutive Term Would Really Fuck My Whole Thing

By Grover Cleveland

Photo courtesy of the White House Historical Association.

This is a crucial election. A great deal hangs in the balance, including the economy, America’s standing in the world, and even perhaps democracy itself. Even so, we may be understating this election’s importance. Are there things we’re missing? Have vital issues perhaps slipped through cracks in our national dialogue? For example: Why is nobody talking about the fact that if Trump wins a second non-consecutive term, that will totally nuke the claim to fame of a certain 19th century president, i.e. me? Shouldn’t that be one of the big issues — if not the big issue — in this election?

If people are talking about this, I missed it. I saw no Vox article on the topic, nor am I aware of a John Oliver piece that ended with a foam mascot Grover Cleveland dancing to an original song by Bowling for Soup. I’ve seen a billion think pieces about the Puerto Rico garbage joke and even discursions about what it will mean if Doug Emhoff becomes First Gentleman, but I’ve seen jack-diddly-shit about my legacy. What the fuck? Do you realize how psychologically crushing it is to go from being a two term president to being a guy who’s only remembered because those terms weren’t served back-to-back? It’s literally the only thing anyone knows about me! And now it might be taken away. I’m on the cusp of becoming — God, it’s hard to even write this — Millard fucking Fillmore. Jesus.

And I mattered! I modernized the Navy! I rolled back the patronage system! But does anyone know that? No — they only know that my terms were the bread around a Benjamin Harrison sandwich. Which is unfair; I was the only thing keeping America from embarking on doomed colonial excursions and falling prey to a bunch of “free silver” nonsense. And yes: I do think that the fact that no one knows that I defended the gold standard and improved coastal defense is bullshit — the American people really are a bunch of ungrateful bitches sometimes. But fuck it, I’m a Snapple cap president, it is what it is, and that’s still more than John Tyler can say.

But the non-consecutive factoid really is all I have. Here’s a Jeopardy question about me from a few years back:

That was a celebrity Jeopardy question — that’s how easy it was. And Rob Schneider got it, and you could tell Mike Piazza and Feist knew it, too. But imagine if the question had been “This future president first made his name as a lawyer who successfully defended participants in the Fenian Raid,” or “This president created the Interstate Commerce Commission, a forerunner of the Federal Highway Administration” — those questions would only appear on Jeopardy Tournament of the Gods, and even then they’d probably be stumpers. It’s just a hard truth: The non-consecutive thing is the only thing than anyone knows about me, period. I’ll bet when Doris Kearns Goodwin hears my name, all it conjures is the word “non-consecutive” floating in a field of white space.

Not convinced? Imagine you walked into a restaurant, and someone said “Hey — there’s Grover Cleveland, James A. Garfield, and Rutherford B. Hayes eating together.” Would you have any fucking clue who was who? No, you wouldn’t. If you sat down with us, you’d have to call everyone “chief” and “pal” until somebody dropped a hint. But then, if I said “The halibut here is excellent — I’ve had it twice,” and Hayes said “but not in a row, right?” and everyone started laughing, you’d know for sure: I’m Cleveland. And you’re goddamned right — I am Cleveland. Grover non-motherfucking-consecutive Cleveland. It’s my thing as much as smashing a watermelon is Gallagher’s thing, and the fact that someone might swipe that from me is total bullshit.

Of all of Trump’s shameful acts, taking this might be the worst. And the asbestos mixed into the shit sundae is that the guy who might copy my signature move is a tariff-loving Republican with an expansionary monetary policy. I spent my life battling guys like that — not that you know that, because, as we established, there’s only one thing that anyone knows about me. But Trump really is the anti-Cleveland: He refused to step down (I could have run for a third term but didn’t!) and saw the economy go from bad to good in between his terms (Harrison screwed the pooch sideways between my terms). It will be like when John Quincy Adams — a rationalist backer of the Monroe Doctrine — had his thing swiped by George W. Bush, a religious proponent of foreign wars: A roundhouse kick to the dick on top of a Bruce Lee dragon punch to the nads.

Most presidents have one thing that immediately comes to mind when their name comes up. Lincoln: Civil War. FDR: New Deal. Kennedy: banged Marilyn Monroe. Even waste-of-space Republicans of my era like Garfield and McKinley will be remembered for getting shot (lucky bastards). The non-consecutive thing is all I have. Without it, I’m just another Gilded Age president with weird facial hair who looks a fat version of the Monopoly Man. So: Vote Harris! She’d be the first female president — no one could ever take that from her. Unlike how some things seem perilously close to being taken from me.

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