Thank God the Founding Fathers Foresaw a Role for the Hot Doctor From “ER” to Save Us in a Time of Crisis

The system works

Built from photos by Sven Arnstein/NBC Universal, Ivan Drazic, and Karolina Kaboompics.

The Constitution is brilliant in its design. It lays out a balanced vision of government that has been replicated in democracies around the world. The foresight demonstrated by that blessed document’s authors is remarkable. And that vision has never been more apparent than right now, when the Constitution’s “hot doctor from a popular TV drama” provision may save us from a national crisis.

Article VIII, Section 4 of the Constitution reads:

Yesterday, George Clooney fulfilled his constitutionally-mandated responsibility by writing an op-ed in the New York Times calling for Biden to step down as the Democratic nominee. The column should provide cover for Democrats who have been unwilling to publicly call for Biden to step down despite their belief that he can’t win. That latitude may, in turn, allow Democrats to field a nominee capable of turning back the threat to democracy posed by Trump. Barring a countervailing op-ed from Hugh Laurie or Patrick Dempsey, Clooney’s essay will stand as the Hot TV Doctor Opinion Of Record.

You truly have to marvel at the Founding Fathers’ foresight. They knew that in a crisis, narrow self-interest and blind party loyalty may keep elected officials from speaking the blunt truths required to resolve the situation. And they also knew that only a beloved public figure with soap-opera looks and a history of playing roles with understated gravitas would have the influence required to fill the leadership void. They even went so far as to spell out the influential actor line of succession, which — according to Section 5 of Article VIII — is:

1. Hot doctor from a popular drama

2. Wacky neighbor from a hit sitcom

3. Sassy senior from a Super Bowl commercial

4. Hot girl from a viral video

5. Crowd-pleasing animal from the Jumbotron at a major sporting event

The Washington Post reports that had Clooney been unable to perform his duties, the guy who played Wilson on Home Improvement was prepared to fill the void. And had Wilson been unavailable, the dancing old guy from those Six Flags commercials was at the ready. Everyone from the Hawk Tuah Girl to the LA Angels’ Rally Monkey was prepared to perform the duties that our elected officials were either unwilling or unable to perform, which just goes to show: The American system works. We can rest easy knowing that our political system is built to handle multiple contingencies.

None of this is to say that the Constitution is perfect. The document’s limits were tested during Watergate, when M*A*S*H star Alan Alda was prohibited from responding to the excesses of the Nixon White House because he was a hunky doctor on a 30-minute comedy, not a one-hour drama. (A 5-4 ruling that M*A*S*H was, indeed, a 30-minute comedy despite serious themes and several “to be continued” episodes was one of the landmark decisions of the Burger Court.¹) Further, some constitutional scholars believe that Article VIII concentrates too much power in the hands of hunky actors, and that some of the responsibility currently held by Clooney should be distributed to the other two branches of America’s pop-culture shadow government: MVP-caliber athletes and female singers with amazing asses.

People in other countries sometimes say that the American system is highly flawed. They find the American custom of elections that stretch for months to be extremely bizarre. They don’t understand how a party can lose faith in its leader and also have no method for removing that leader. They consider a political culture that rewards subverting the national interest for short-term factional gain to be deeply sick and obviously self-destructive. But these naysayers are ignoring the magic ingredient that makes it all work: A donor class of globetrotting actors, tech billionaires, and inbred heirs to centuries-old fortunes that can parachute into a crisis and provide the moral clarity that our elected leaders lack. And now that the star of Leatherheads and The Midnight Sky has spoken with the clear voice that most of our leaders have been unable to find, I say: God bless you, Dr. Doug Ross! And God bless the U.S. Constitution.

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1. The five-justice majority included a concurring opinion from Justice Potter Stewart, who found that Alda wasn’t so much a “hunk” as a highly charismatic standout in a strong ensemble cast.