Ten Fans to Watch for at the 2022 World Cup
The world's drunkest, orneriest morons are coming to Qatar!
The World Cup promises to be a dazzling spectacle of athletic skill. It also promises to be a gobsmacking display of anti-social dumbassery, as the world’s most obtuse idiots will have their in-stadium antics broadcast to billions around the globe. People on every continent will cringe with embarrassment as their countrymen cause perceptions of their country to be set back decades, if not centuries. While much has been written about the players who are likely to capture the world’s attention at the tournament, not enough has been written about the fans who will do the same. Therefore, here are ten fans to watch for at the 2022 World Cup.
Ian Dixon, England
Soccer brings countries together, and nowhere has this been more true than in England, where the entire nation has united to try to sweep Ian Dixon under the rug. Still reeling from the memory of soccer hooliganry that dogged England for decades, the Football Association, Parliament, and the British crown united for a “Stop Ian” campaign targeted at the East Midlands civil servant. For more than a year, “Stop Ian” ads have been ubiquitous in British media, with celebrities including Adele, David Beckham, and Sir Ian McKellen encouraging people to “kick Ian out of football”. Every Premier League match this season has begun with players uniting behind a banner that reads: “Fuck you, Ian”. The Paul McCartney/Elton John “Ian is a Tosser” concert at Wembley Stadium sold out within minutes. Credible sources allege that Queen Elizabeth’s last words were “keep that shithead out of the stadium,” presumably referring to Dixon.
Sadly, the campaign seems to have fallen short, as Dixon was apprehended by Qatari authorities during half time of the opening match, having allegedly mooned the Emir of Qatar and headbutted a police horse.