Six Products That Will Gently Defeat Your Baby

For parents who are determined to win

Having a child is a beautiful experience that gives new perspective to the miracle of life. It’s also a brutal, zero-sum grudge match between parent and child in which there can only be one winner. Probably every parent has, at one point, gazed into their baby’s eyes and thought: “Who the fuck designed this thing?” Babies’ cycles don’t match adults’; the infant pattern of feeding, sleeping, shitting, waking up, screaming their fucking head off, and then shitting again before you can get the new diaper on seems to have evolved as nature’s way of enticing unfit parents to throw themselves into a ravine. Luckily, new technology gives parents a fighting chance of catching more Zs than a terrorist being subjected to sleep deprivation torture at a black-ops site. My wife and I have tried numerous products, and — if our experience is any guide — below are six that will gently defeat your baby.

The Smart-Sleeper Bassinet, from Snoo (buy it!):

The Snoo “smart bassinet” rocks, shushes, and bounces your baby to sleep using the patterns of a human. It’s basically a robot parent, to which I say: Fine, good, replace me with artificial intelligence, see if I give a shit. The robots have risen: All Hail Bots. Can I fucking sleep now?

The Snoo retails for the princely sum of $1,500, but $1,500 seemed like an absolute bargain after three weeks of grabbing half-sleep in 20 minute increments. Honestly, at that point, I would have gladly sold my soul to Scientology or joined a dictator’s harem in exchange for just a few hours of REM sleep. The bastards at Snoo — much like the East German Stasi — know that no human can withstand torture, which means that in less than a week you’ll be begging to give them $1,500. The bassinet requires several accessories that sell for the exorbitant price of $Who-gives-a-shit-just-take-my-money-make-it-stop-dear-God-make-it-stop!

The Sedate-O-Cloud, from PharmaBaby (buy it!):

This vibrating sleeper chair contains six fine-mist-emitting nozzles that produce a cloud of powerful sedatives to carry your baby off to dreamland. Mist cartridges come in three scent profiles: Vanilla Valium, Ambien Sunset, and Rohypnol of the Meadow. The chair is suitable for babies up to 12 months, but an IV drip can be purchased to extend its life to children up to three years.

Long banned in the United States, this chair was suddenly approved last year by a group of bleary-eyed, 30-something FDA officials who appeared to have not showered in days. My wife and I consider this a miracle product; upon placing my baby in this chair, he proceeded to sleep for six, 12, even 40 hours at a time! I don’t know if the results came from the soft vibrating motion or from the dense cloud of military-grade sedatives enveloping my son’s body, but either way, this chair really works!

The White Noise Dominator, from Marshall (buy it!):

Babies are calmed by “white noise”, which replicates the whooshing of fluids through the placenta. If your baby is ready to get calmed to the motherfucking EXTREME, consider the White Noise Dominator from Marshall. Featuring a powerful, 20-watt all-tube head and four 12-inch Celestion G12-M speakers, this pussies-need-not-apply white noise system has the horsepower to blast your baby’s ass to dreamland and beyond. Endorsed by AC/DC’s Angus Young, my wife and I found the 180 decibels of sack-shaking white noise with robust middles and gut-punching top end to be the perfect response to our little tike’s cries. We had to re-wire our house to provide the 220 Volt outlet that the system requires, but it was well worth the investment.

Der Kinder Schreckenkasten, from Gehorsamhaus (buy it!):

Berlin-based Gehorsamhaus has a unique philosophy of child care: Instead of soothing your baby with comforting sensations and sounds, what if an infant’s fusses and whines were met with visions of unspeakable horror? Think of it as a more “sticks” than “carrots” approach to dealing with a fussy infant.

Der Kinder Schreckenkasten — which loosely translates to “baby fright box” — features a patented “nightmare chamber” suitable for babies up to 18 months. The chamber boasts five inward-facing LED panels and TXH spatial-audio surround sound, plus sensors to detect your little one’s fidgets and cries. The box responds to your baby’s misbehavior with sights and sounds of appropriate horror: Minor fussiness might be met with death metal and an image of a half-goat humanoid feasting on a deer carcass, while a full-on tantrum will invoke shrieks of a woman begging for her life paired with CGI images of a giant ant seizing a human head in its mandibles and crushing it like a grape. Only total silence will keep your baby from being bombarded with visions of bat-winged gargoyles slaughtering a flock of sheep, or Slender Man slowly emerging from an ocean of blood.

This product works! In less than a day, my baby learned that a completely-silent thousand-yard stare was the path of least resistance. If you’d like to turn your fussy little friend into an obedient Clockwork Orange, then I can’t recommend this product enough!

Kentucky Straight Bourbon, from Jim Beam (buy it!):

Aged for four years in white oak barrels in the Jim Beam distillery in Clermont, Kentucky, nothing soothes a fussy infant quite like this innovative baby product. When mixed with breast milk at a 1:1 ratio — dash of bitters and maraschino cherry optional — Jim Beam never failed to silence my baby except for the occasional bit of heavily-slurred babble. Though other big names in baby care like Jack Daniels and Jameson make similar products, this bourbon had the oaky overtones with hints of char that my baby preferred. Word of caution, though: DO NOT confuse this product with Mike’s Hard Baby Formula, which contains insufficient iron for skeletal development and won’t even get your baby buzzed.

Grandma, from evolution (buy it!):

Quite possibly the perfect baby care product! With copious amounts of time and seemingly endless patience built up by five fucking decades of dealing with Grandpa, Grandma is the answer to any infant problem you might encounter! In an inspired bit of design, evolution has given Grandma a decreased sense of hearing and smell, perfect for dealing with whatever might come out of your infant’s mouth or bottom. Our Grandma came equipped with some quirky lullabies from the Old Country and a few not-considered-racist-yet nursery rhymes that our little guy absolutely loved! For the eminently reasonable price of letting-her-sleep-on-the-fold-out-couch-and-giving-her-a-tuna-sandwich-for-lunch, Grandma remains the go-to option for parents determined to get the upper hand on their child!

For the lawyers: The Snoo is real, and grandmas exist, and Jim Beam is a real thing that you should obviously never give to a baby. All the other stuff is made up. I kind of can’t believe I have to say this, but here we are.

Photo credits: 1) Snoo available for sale at happiestbaby.com; 2) Sedate-O-Cloud picture built from Ingenuity soothing baby bouncer, available for sale on Amazon; 3) Marshall speaker cabinet available for sale at Sweetwater, baby next to cabinet courtesy of Marco Verch; 4) Der Kinder Schreckenkasten built from a photo by Lou Messing; 5) Grandma and baby photo from Tim Mossholder.