In This Crucial Moment, America Needs a President Who Will Fiddle With the Price of Eggs a Bit

By Kamala Harris

Photo from Jeff Kowalsky via Getty.

Kamala Harris is Vice President of the United States, and I Might Be Wrong recently reported that she froze to death in a Hardee’s walk-in freezer. We regret the error.

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The 21st century presents unprecedented challenges. Technology is reshaping our world at a rapid pace. Rogue countries threaten global stability. Climate change remains a test of humanity’s ingenuity and resolve. Plus: Eggs have gotten hella expensive. Have you noticed that? You can easily pay $4 for a dozen now — more if you want “free range” or “organic” or whatever. As president, I will address these challenges head-on, especially the eggs. In fact, I’m going to start with the eggs. My short term focus is on eggs — eggs are at the front of the queue. And once egg prices are under control, I’ll move on to the other stuff.

In a speech outlining my economic vision on Friday, I announced a plan to take on price gouging by food suppliers and grocery stores. Economists say that “price gouging” is a term with no definition, and they point out that grocery prices are the same relative to wages as they were before the pandemic, and that grocery store profits are actually lower than profits in other industries. But I say four dollars for eggs is utter bullshit. I mean, come on…four dollars?! At least buy a girl dinner first, Safeway! And it’s not just eggs: Bush’s baked beans are $3.49 (for the small can!), and Oreos are nearly $5.00. That is Ass Reaming City, USA. If I’m elected to the most powerful office in the world, I will get those prices down to $3 and $4, respectively, because the most solemn responsibility of a president is to relentlessly bird-dog the price of cookies and beans.

I’m making food prices a top priority because polls say that’s what people want. The masses are up in arms about the price of bread, which seems very Les Mis, but…whatever. If Americans want a president who will go around knocking ten cents off of this and 15 cents off of that like that Walmart smiley face guy, then that’s the president I’ll be. I’ll start by having Sara Lee and the Dave’s Killer Bread guy extradited to a CIA black ops site and tortured within an inch of their lives unless they drop bread prices by 80 cents a loaf. Next, I’ll open up an FBI file on Uncle Ben and send the IRS so far up the Pillsbury Doughboy’s ass that they’ll be able to poke his belly from the inside. I’ll also drone strike Chef Boyardee unless he lowers the price of Beeferoni by 20 cents. To be sure: These are unconventional uses of the president’s powers. But the people want lower grocery prices, and I’ve been itching to explore the boundaries of this new “official acts” loophole, so companies can either lower their prices or feel the full weight of the American executive branch.

There’s more: If I’m elected president, guac will go back to being $1 extra. It always used to be $1 — the fact that it’s more now is the worst injustice since Japanese internment. Last week, Chipotle tried to charge me $2.85 for guac, and I practically burned the place to the ground. $2.85? Are you fucking joking, Chipotle? Guac’s been $1 since I was in college. When I balked at the price, the girl behind the counter (who should make more, by the way) launched into a speech about how the supply of avocados is low and demand is high, and I just shrieked: “Extra guac costs a dollar and always has!!!” Extra cheese, too — that’s a dollar. At least it will be in my America, under penalty of death.

Also: Am I the only one who’s noticed that the Wendy’s dollar menu is complete ass now? All you can get is like a four-piece nugget and that frosty that comes in a thimble. You used to be able to get a junior cheeseburger, and if I’m president, they’re putting that thing back on the dollar menu on day fucking one. And don’t say “actually, the junior cheeseburger is on the dollar menu,” because it’s on the “dollar menu” but it costs $1.59. Do they think we’re idiots?!?!? If it’s on the dollar menu then it needs to cost…one second, let me check with my economic advisers…okay yeah one goddamned dollar you greedy dickholes! I know Dave Thomas is dead, but when I’m president, I’m having him dug up and placed in the Capitol rotunda so we can take turns spitting on his bones because fuck that guy.

Ooooooooo, BRAINSTORM: The Presidential Coupon Book. It could be a book that goes to every American, put together by me: President Kamala Harris. I’d pick the deals myself, like — and I’m just spitballing here — buy-one-get-one on Stove Top stuffing, or 50 cents off of Lunchables. Or…hang on a minute…60 cents off of Lunchables. No: 70 cents off of Lunchables. Or — holy shit — what if I did 80 cents off of Lunchables??? I feel like giving every American nearly a dollar off of Lunchables would make me probably the greatest president of all time. Did Lincoln ever give 80 cents off of Lunchables? Not to my knowledge. But the price of greatness if often venturing where others dare not tread.

This is the most important election of our lifetime. Americans face a stark choice: Do they want a president who violates basic American values, or a president who will get them 30 cents off a can of Cheez Whiz? A president with 34 felony convictions, or a president with a plan to sue Keebler back to the Stone Age if they don’t bring back Magic Middles? At this critical moment, we can’t afford to misstep. The future of our country — or at the very least, the future of the price of waffle mix in our country — depends on it.

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