GUEST COLUMN: Time To Rebrand Myself As "The Healthy Food Candidate"

I need a pivot

Every politician needs a signature issue. For Bernie Sanders, it was Medicare for All. Boris Johnson: Brexit. William Henry Harrison: organ failure. A signature issue can define a public figure and communicate what they’re all about. And recent events have led me to believe that it might be wise to associate myself with an entirely new set of issues.

I’ve been many things over the years: party stooge, intelligence thug, burgeoning strongman, and cartoonish global villain — I’ve worn a lot of hats! At present, most people associate me with the enhanced neighborhood watch campaign that Russia is executing in Ukraine. But I met with my Polling Consultant recently, and ay caramba! Not good! Ukraine is not turning into the linchpin campaign issue I hoped it would be! It would behoove me to turn over a new leaf, and speaking of leaves: Did you know that a diet rich in leafy greens provides B vitamins that are key for brain development?

Picture this: Vladimir Putin, the healthy lifestyle politician. The guy who helps you get in touch with a fitter, more active self — sort of Michelle Obama meets the Body By Jake guy. Less authoritarian, more authoritaria-fun. The guy who puts the “ran” in “tyranny”. An active senior with a positive attitude who makes people think “If he can do it, I can do it, and I forgot all about Ukraine!” Maybe I’ll start wearing sweatshirts with fun slogans like “2 fit 2 quit!” and “Fitness Czar”.

People think that we don’t have elections in Russia, but we do. One’s coming up in 2024. Most Russian analysts consider me a strong favorite to win — the analysts who don’t have mysteriously disappeared! — but you can never be too careful. I would strongly prefer to sweep to victory by cultivating broad public support than by eliminating all viable opponents by throwing them into a vat of battery acid. Now: I will go the battery acid route if necessary. But I’d rather not. I’d prefer to be popular and win, and not only because battery acid is hard to come by under sanctions, so I might have to throw my enemies into sulfuric acid or some second-rate acid substitute.

Luckily, there’s time for a rebrand. I’ve already established myself as a body-positive person by being photographed topless more times than Carmen Electra. I just need to kick it up a notch by making extolling the benefits of CrossFit and superfoods a key part of my patter. For example: Did you know that acai berries are loaded with antioxidants and may improve cholesterol? Or that walking for 30 minutes a day can reduce your risk of type 2 diabetes and osteoporosis? In my next speech, I’ll emphasize this type of talking point and downplay the smoldering crisis that I’ve wrought in Ukraine.

I wonder if I could get on The Today Show. Picture this: Me, in a headband, gabbing it up with Hoda and Kathy Lee in a segment called Pump Up with Putin! I could teach them fun workouts that they could do at home, like doing dumbbell curls with cans of soup. I’ve also got a killer joke they could use: When I’m making one of my signature flaxseed oil smoothies, Kathy Lee could lean in and say: “Can I put wine in that?” I think that would be an hoot! And much better for my public image than the scores of coffins being shipped home due to my ill-fated war of choice.

There’s a proven market for wellness. Gwenyth Paltrow has built an empire hawking powders and potions that you literally shove up your vagina. Dr. Oz is running for Senate despite his main qualification being that he’s a public scat fetishist hanging onto his medical license by his fingernails. Expertise is not a “must” in this area. I could use my power as President to give tax breaks for gym memberships and declare National Sit-Up Day, but the heavy lifting (pun very much intended!) would be in my general persona. I’ve tried to soften my image before, with mixed results. One time I got a puppy, but I ended up looking like a psycho by smirking while the President of Turkmenistan grabbed it by the neck and held it up like a Christmas goose. Another time, I flew with orphaned cranes (below), which ended up being a “John Kerry goes wind surfing”-type photo op, because I was puttering around in a plane made from a box fan and construction paper while dressed like a human sperm. I know I can do better!

I need to find something, and fast. If the wellness angle doesn’t play, then I’ve brainstormed other issues I could make my own. For example: Tort reform. A flat tax. Urban zoning. Lower bus fare. Surprise medical bills. Pet control. Net neutrality. Repealing the franking privilege. Y2K. Something will work. I mean, it really needs to, because I’m desperate for a change! Right now, I’m known as “the warmonger who wrought untold carnage on the steppes of Eastern Europe, the monster who summoned a slow-motion humanitarian disaster and brought the world to the brink of World War 3.” Which my Polling Consultant tells me is a losing message. At least, that’s what he said right before I threw him into a vat of battery acid!

I think I’ll go with the healthy food thing. My new pollsters tell me it’s a good move, and I don’t know why they’d lie to me! If Chris Pratt can transition from goofball sidekick to bankable action star, then, logically, I can make the switch from blood-drenched tyrant to healthy lifestyle guru. As Don Draper once said: “If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.” And from now on, my conversations will all be about kettle bells, meat substitutes, and the importance of developing core strength, because Vladimir Putin: Hitler Facsimile is gone, but Vladimir Putin: Jazzercize Master and Wheatgrass Enthusiast is just getting started!

For the lawyers: This was a bit. You absolute morons.