GUEST COLUMN: I'm Also Buying Jimmy John's

Ten punches is ten punches, assholes

Much has been made of my recent $44 billion acquisition of Twitter. Reactions have ranged from elation to outrage, all of which I welcome; this is the type of robust exchange that a social media platform should guarantee. But Twitter isn’t the only company in dire need of a culture shift; other, more traditional businesses have badly lost their way. And that is why I’m pleased to announce that I have acquired the sub sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s for a price of $3.6 billion.

This is an exciting new venture for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve always wanted to master three realms: Space, green technology, and big, beefy subs with lots of gooey cheese melting out the sides. These are, you could say, my passions. And thought I’m immensely proud of what we’ve achieved at SpaceX and Tesla, I’ll be so bold as to predict that we can surpass what we’ve done with what we plan to accomplish at Jimmy John’s. We’re entering a bold new era of hoagies, friends.