An Ornery Ol' Goose Is A-Livin’ In My Boat Shed: We Must Only Remove Him in a BIPARTISAN Manner

Joe Manchin has inspired me.

This goose got the devil in him!

How do we solve problems? By fiat, or by consensus? Joe Manchin has argued strongly that major changes should be achieved through bipartisanship. He applies this principle even to voting rights, which he calls “fundamental to American democracy.” He’s inspired me to apply this logic to the all-encompassing challenge in my life: the old, ornery, honky-as-hell goose who’s taken to bunkin’ in my boat shed.

You may know that I live with my ex-wife Dotti, her twin sister Deb, and Deb’s stepson K-Glove on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan¹. We run a sorghum farm; the main thing I’m trying to achieve with this newsletter is big federal subsidies for sorghum. 

We don’t get much nice weather in the U.P.; it’s cold enough to freeze the tits off a frog six months of the year, and colder than that for another three. So when summer comes, I spend all the time I can out on the lake catchin’ steelheads. That’s my idea of heaven: A radio, a ballgame, a 12-er of Schlitz, and my tackle box. And if you’re thinking “didn’t they stop making Schlitz in the ‘90s?”, yes, they did, but I stocked up, so if I drink at my current rate then I’m set until August 9, 2032. And after that I’ve got Zima.

Except I’ve barely seen the lake at all this year, because when I threw open the doors to my boat shed last month, I was hit with a blitz of honking, feathers, and general goose sass from a goose with even more of the devil in him than most geese you know. I tried to shoo him off with the leaf blower but he gave as good as he got and made it clear he wasn’t leaving. It reminded me of how Deb and K-Glove ended up living with us; they came to “visit” one Christmas, and next thing I know it’s the Super Bowl and they’re still around. The only question was what I was going to do about it. 

Dotti and Deb hate the goose. He honks like someone lit his balls on fire every morning at six, and he’s still honkin’ when Dotti and Deb watch Press Your Luck at nine. He defends that shed like it’s the fuckin’ Alamo, and when I tried to put the outboard motor on the boat he attacked every vulnerable point on my body like he’d been trained by MI-6. At first I thought maybe it was a she-goose protecting her eggs, but I haven’t seen any evidence of that - if there’s a nest in the shed then it’s way back amongst the Schlitz, which by the way I also can’t reach. I think this goose is just an ornery ol’ shithead.

We all agree the goose needs to go. All of us except for K-Glove, that is. Now: K-Glove (birth name: Kamden) is a good kid. He got kicked out of high school for selling Adderall to freshmen, but the pills were fake, and he’s got an idea for a business selling exotic pets on Twitch, so that shows initiative. He’s a Juggalo. He’s been angry with me since I wouldn’t let him take my truck to see the Insane Clown Posse and I think that’s why he’s been so Team Goose. I see him laughing at me when I battle the goose trying to get to the Schlitz, and I’ve seen him carrying Eggo waffles out to the shed more than once. I think K-Glove wants to keep the goose around just to fuck with me.

But here’s where I’ve learned from Joe Manchin. Because sure, it’d be easy to say “three of us want the goose gone, one thinks it should stay, that’s democracy, the goose goes.” But would that choice be legitimate? Is democracy as simple as “majority rules”, or should we establish a norm of deference to the minority? That is: Does bipartisanship have intrinsic value, and if so, should it be required for all important decisions?

I put this question to Dotti and Deb. Deb thought I was over-thinking things. “If three can’t out-vote one, then isn’t one out-voting three?” she said. She also thought the rule was too vague: “How much deference to the minority is required?” she wondered. “And do you have any agreement about this rule? Do you know people will stick to it in the future?” This was food for thought. Dotti, for her part, thought I should “stop sitting on my little mouse nuts” and chase off the goose, since I was currently “getting dick-slapped by 18 pounds of water fowl.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I married the wrong sister!

But what about the late Senator Robert Byrd? He was a huge influence on Manchin; he taught Manchin that the Senate is a deliberative body meant to operate through consensus. Now: My house isn’t the U.S. Senate. The Senate is part of a system with multiple protections for minority interests; any law they pass still has to go through the House, the President, and judicial review. That’s more checks on power than you’ll find in a parliamentary system or on my little sorghum farm. Which makes me even more determined to reach consensus; K-Glove’s interests could be trampled! Imagine if we told him that he had to quit watching Joker over and over again, or to stop catfishing that nice divorced woman he met on Tinder. No, that mustn't happen; a process that requires consensus will keep K-Glove from getting steamrolled.

I approached K-Glove as he was having his morning vape. I explained that he was an equal member of the house, and that I understood and respected his fondness for the goose. I listed my reasons for wanting the goose gone - the attacks, the noise, the inch-thick moat of goose shit surrounding the shed - and told him I was seeking concord. If he could agree to let me chase off the goose, maybe I could agree to something he wants - perhaps I’d accede to his requests to paint a scary clown on my truck and drive it to something called Purge Fest. I told him I was open to his ideas.

K-Glove replied: “Go eat a dog dick, Hoss.”

So, that’s his position. And yet: I still wonder if compromise might be possible. Perhaps there’s a middle ground between my stance and his “go eat a dog dick” opinion. When I told Dotti and Deb about my summit with K-Glove, Dotti threw up her hands, yelled “Shrimp Dick McGee strikes again!” and stormed out. But Deb was more understanding. “I’m glad you tried to talk to K-Glove,” she said. “Open-mindedness is good. Seeking consensus and hearing other people’s ideas is good. But you can’t value consensus over everything else - that gives other people veto power over your principles. And consensus is only possible when both parties share a goal. When consensus can’t be reached, then your loyalty should be to the people who count on you to do what’s right instead of to some abstract sense of comity.” At least, that’s basically what she said - it was hard to hear because the goose had come out of the shed and was honking its brains out right by the kitchen window. 

In the days since I talked to Deb, the goose has assaulted a cookie-selling girl scout, shat all over my air compressor, and even managed to poke holes in several of the Schlitz cans with his beak. He’s also started sticking his head right through the kitchen window and begging for Eggo waffles - he won’t go away until you give him some. K-Glove laughs his ass off at all of this - he put a picture of me with the word “OWNED” scrawled on it on the fridge, except he spelled “owned” with a “p”, which is I guess what happens when you don’t finish high school. I am this close to chasing that goose off with a rake and then fixing the siding on the shed so he can’t get back in. It would make Dotti and Deb happy, and I’d have access to my boat again. Also, I’m tired of being the unwitting star of the “Old Man/Goose Fight” viral videos that K-Glove keeps putting on YouTube. I’m probably going to do it - I’m definitely going to do it. Just a few more days and I will almost certainly do it.

And yet...part of me wonders if a compromise is still possible.

1. No.