Weird-Ass Billionaires Are a Gift to NASA
It’s not just that they’re rich -- it’s also that they’re weird
Billionaires are weird. I don’t understand how Jeff Bezos can be clever enough to become the richest man in the world but also dense enough to show up to a major public relations event in a cowboy hat that gave him a serious Wyatt Derp vibe. Dumb clothes can undermine a historic moment; we’d remember if Charles Lindbergh had landed in Paris wearing a Blossom hat and vampire teeth, or if Chuck Yeager had broken the sound barrier in a “Born 2 Fart” t-shirt. It would have lessened the momentousness of the achievement.
There’s also the unmissable fact that the rocket Blue Origins (Bezos’ company) sent to space could not possibly have looked more like a dick. There’s a fucking pipe running down the middle that looks like a vein! It’s absolutely insane -- it’s as if their goal was to build a four-story tall dick, and then in the latter stages, decided “hey, let’s also make it a rocket.”
Bezos, of course, is far from the only uber-rich weirdo in the space race. SpaceX founder Elon Musk is pretty damn weird himself. For example: He was sued by the SEC for a Tweet that allegedly manipulated Tesla’s stock price and which was possibly sent while on acid, according to a rapper who believes she was invited to Musk’s house for a threeway. Think that’s a weird sentence? Well, how ‘bout this one: Musk was also sued by a cave diver Musk called a “pedo guy” after the cave diver wouldn’t use a miniature submarine Musk offered to free a soccer team trapped underground in Thailand. Still not weird enough? Okay, try this one on for size: Virgin Group founder Richard Branson holds the records for first trans-Atlantic crossing in a balloon, most people on a kitesurfing board, and fastest English Channel crossing in what is basically the amphibious car James Bond drove in The Spy Who Loved Me. These sentences are Weird Rich Guy Mad Libs -- here, try one!
