Predicting the Worst Takes on the Baltimore Bridge Collapse ***UPDATED WITH REAL TWEETS***
How many will be real by the time I publish?
This morning, the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore collapsed after being hit by a cargo ship. Little is known at this time, but we do know this: Morons of every ideological stripe will try to jam this event into the same narratives that they use to explain everything. They will infer and misread and squint and stand on their head until this event supports — nay, confirms — everything that they believed all along.
Below is my attempt to predict those takes. To make things more fun, I mocked them up to look like real tweets. If any of these takes became real while I was writing…well, then I guess that validates the premise.
***UPDATE: I published this on Tuesday evening. I woke up on Wednesday morning to find that several of the takes — much like Pinocchio — had become real overnight. So, I’ve posted some real takes beneath their fake counterparts and clearly labeled them, because they cannot be differentiated from parody.
So far, eight of the 12 have become real. If you find more examples, please send them along!***
The Democratic take that ignores that the bridge didn’t just collapse — a fucking 95,000 ton cargo ship hit it:
*Real version of that take:
The Republican take that ignores that the bridge didn’t just collapse — a fucking 95,000 ton cargo ship hit it:
*Real version of that take:
