Part Three of My David Blaine-esque Stunt to Withstand All the Republican Debates
This is killing me
For some dumb reason, I decided to watch every Republican debate and do writeups so that you — my procrastinating-from-work readers — can do anything with your time except watch the debates. I’m starting to want to renegotiate that deal. Maybe I could, say, eat a pound of worms on Facebook Live, or jump Snake River Canyon on a big wheel. Because the stupidity of these debates takes a lot out of me. These debates are as likely to produce enlightenment as a barn dace is to produce nuclear fusion.
That being said, this debate was slightly less painful than the first two. I think that’s because we’re down to five candidates, which means that they spent less time shouting over each other while the moderator tried to restore order like the world’s most feckless substitute teacher. It also annoyed me to have to pay any attention at all to Doug Burgum. I did not consent to any level of Doug Burgum awareness, and I hate that Doug Burgum now takes up space in my brain. That space is crowding out more important things like cheat codes to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and the theme song to JabberJaw.
In the first two debates, I talked about what I considered to be each candidate’s message. This time, I’ll note any changes I observe in their performance. My logic is that the people who watched all three debates could probably all fit in a Honda Civic, but I happen to be one of those people, so I should use that fact to provide whatever perspective I can.
So, as Shakespeare almost wrote: Once more into the suck, dear friends!
CHRIS CHRISTIE
What he did differently this time: He skipped the zingers.
I liked that the first two debates featured Chris Christie: Master Roast Comic. Watching these debates is as pleasant as sitting in a port-a-potty in hundred degree heat, and Christie’s zinger-slinging was one of very few enjoyable elements. I also liked watching him goad Donald Trump like a pro wrestler calling out his opponent.
But Christie didn’t tell any jokes last night. Maybe he was zinger-shy after his “We’re gonna call you Donald DUCK” joke in the last debate fell flat. It’s not just that nobody laughed; it’s that amidst the silence, you could hear Dana Perino mutter an unimpressed “alright”. As a comic, I can tell you: That “alright” sticks with you. You hear that “alright” when you’re trying to sleep at night. That “alright” might have been enough to take the steam out of Christie’s zinger train.
Beyond that, I’ll note that Christie sometimes shows empathy, which tells me that he’s not really in it to win it.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY
What he did differently this time: He reassured people who were put off by his restrained performance in Debate Two that the raving lunatic who appeared in Debate One is the real Ramaswamy.
How batshit is Ramaswamy? He’s batshit enough that he can call President Zelenskyy a Nazi and it doesn’t get mentioned in most debate recaps. But he did appear to call Zelenskyy a Nazi — is that not the only possible interpretation of this line?
“[Ukraine] has threatened not to hold elections this year unless the US forks over more money — that is not democratic. It has celebrated a Nazi its ranks — the comedian in cargo pants, a man called Zelenskyy. Doing it in their own ranks — that is not democratic.”
Ramaswamy possibly calling a Jewish leader a Nazi got buried largely because of an attention-getting exchange between him and Haley. Ramaswamy tried to make something out of Haley’s daughter being on Tik Tok, and Haley responded by saying “You’re just scum”.
I think Ramaswamy was way out-of-bounds. And so did the crowd — they boo’d him, and I’ll remind you that in years past Republican crowds have cheered the concept of letting uninsured people die. Americans of all political stripes seem to be uniting behind the idea that Vivek Ramaswamy is a huge, gaping asshole.
That being said, I don’t love the use of the word “scum”. In my mind, that word has dehumanizing connotations. Ramaswamy is not scum — he is a human. An incredibly obnoxious human. An overconfident, loudmouthed Harvard twit with all the appeal of a condom full of pus. He’s an uninformed, invective-spewing ass trying to win the allegiance of the dumbest Americans so that he can mobilize them in like the Wicked Witch Of The West controlled an army of flying monkeys. If Ramaswamy was a Dungeons and Dragons character, his “smarm” and “dickishness” characteristics would be maxed out, and he would vanquish foes by being such a prick that potential opponents would opt out of fighting him, choosing instead to walk away muttering “I just fucking can’t with this guy.” That’s Ramaswamy. But “scum”? Scum might be taking things a bit too far.
TIM SCOTT
What he did differently this time: Not a goddamned thing.
Given that I just criticized Ramaswamy for being an incandescent shithead, I probably shouldn’t criticize Scott for being boring. But…I thought Scott was boring. The good news for Scott is that I have terrible horse sense when it comes to likability — I thought John Kerry was likable, so what the hell do I know? But Scott’s poll numbers are fading, and he, himself, seemed to fade in this debate.
I don’t quite know what else to write about Scott. He…uh…he still likes America. He would like you to know that his childhood was very much like Steve Martin’s upbringing in The Jerk. Sometimes, he will get lost in an answer and just start belching out Republican applause lines — he reminds me of that Willy Wonka machine that malfunctions and starts spitting foam, except instead of foam, Scott spouts drivel about runaway spending. I would guess that Scott will get tossed onto the also-ran pile soon.
NIKKI HALEY
What she did differently this time: She attacked DeSantis.
Haley went after DeSantis three times. I have to say: These “gotcha” moments that candidates sling at each other are incredibly lame. They’re usually about some arcane legislative action that nobody knows anything about; at one point, Haley was criticizing DeSantis for allowing a Chinese manufacturer to have “training sites” near US naval bases. No normal person could possibly know what she was talking about. I googled “is there some shit with Ron DeSantis and Chinese training sites?” and found one, lonely, tiny article in the New York Post — not my most trusted source of news — that says that a subsidiary of a Chinese aircraft company has an office 13 miles from a Navy research base. Which…kind of seems like maybe nothing to me? Would it be okay if the office was 20 miles away — is our national security policy “if they’re going to spy, then at least make them commute”? No normal person could know the details of that situation or have an informed opinion on how DeSantis should have responded to the alleged actions of these companies. These gotcha moments rely on ignorance.
Regardless, Haley clearly sees this as a two-horse race between her and DeSantis. That is: It’s a two-horse race to become the other…well, horse, in a two-horse race between somebody and Trump. And I think Haley is right: It’s either her or DeSantis.
Also, let this not be missed: Haley pronounced Simón Bolívar’s first name the English way: “SIGH-mon”. Like Simple Simon, the famous pie enthusiast.
RON DESANTIS
What he did differently this time: He focused on Haley.
It seems that DeSantis also knows that either he or Haley will be the last candidate standing against Trump. When she punched him, he punched back (not literally — I would have led with that). At one point, they were talking about a Chinese fiberglass company in South Carolina — do you see what I mean about these “gotchas” being indecipherable to basically everyone? After that exchange, I googled “okay, fine, what’s this Nikki Haley fiberglass thing?” and learned that the “scandal” is that Haley celebrated a Chinese company putting a factory in South Carolina. Don’t we want factories to come here? Isn’t that the exact opposite of the “foreigners are taking your jobs!” narrative that plays so well with nativist audiences? This is all so fucking stupid.
DeSantis continues to strike me as a wooden, joyless little man, but I’ll reiterate: My record of gauging likability is not good. Maybe this smile-free little league dad who likes to talk about shooting people “stone cold dead” (is there another type of dead?) is what people want. His poll numbers suggest an inverse relationship between “familiarity with Ron DeSantis” and “liking Ron DeSantis”, but to become the only person standing between us and a second Trump nomination, it looks like Haley is the only candidate he needs to beat.
> If Ramaswamy was a Dungeons and Dragons character, his “smarm” and “dickishness” characteristics would be maxed out, and he would vanquish foes by being such a prick that potential opponents would opt out of fighting him, choosing instead to walk away muttering “I just fucking can’t with this guy.”
So a bard.
This is great, but I wish you would hold the Democratic wannabees to the same, or, in fact, any standard.
On your last podcast, you seemed confused as to why the proles refused to believe the "Economy is getting better" narrative. Let me clue you in: The economy is getting better... for members of the Professional Managerial Class. For those of us belonging to the "Expendable Worker" set? Not so much.
Maybe talk to somebody who slept in their car while driving Uber and bathes using the plastic portable sinks in the SFO driver waiting area or ask a fast food worker how it felt to make $15/hr while the virtue-signaling PMC collected $1000 weekly to stay only to spend their time demanding that public schools in poor areas shut down while sending their kids to the nice private schools that stayed open.
Again, I love your stuff, and I'll be a little sad when you put some of this behind a paywall because I enjoy the smug sense of satisfaction I get from paying simply because work of this quality demands it.