My Favorite Thanksgiving Traditions
They all involve TV
My family celebrates a traditional Thanksgiving: We go to my sister’s house, run out of things to talk about in about 30 minutes, and then watch TV so that we don’t have to talk to each other. I just wish my grandparents were still alive so that I could ignore them while watching Evan Almighty!
Over the years, the small moments that happen every Thanksgiving have come to mean more to me than turkey, pumpkin pie, or the people who gave me life. Below are the five Thanksgiving traditions that I cherish most.
Looking at the poor fuckers in front of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade floats — who traveled thousands of miles to dress up like a teddy bear or a gingerbread man or some shit and have it broadcast on national TV — and thinking “What’s up with those people?”
I’m both a liberal and a narcissist, so I truly don’t care what other people do. I have no judgment whatsoever for a grown man who chooses to dress like SpongeBob SquarePants and walk down the busiest street in America. But I do have endless curiosity about that person. Personally, I would find that march to be substantially more humiliating than Cersei Lannister’s walk of atonement in Game of Thrones. But people do it on purpose! They travel thousands of miles to do it! And they get up early on Thanksgiving to do it! While most of us are wearing comfy socks and sipping coffee in our toasty-warm houses, these folks are braving Northeast weather in a threadbare Oompa Loompa outfit while some C-minus pop star lip synchs “Holly Jolly Christmas” on top of the Pizza Paradise Float sponsored by Domino’s.