Jimmy Carter's Obituary, but With Jokes
The tribute you can't prove he didn't want
Jimmy Carter, America’s first and last president to ever go by “Jimmy”, passed away Sunday at the age of 100. The cause of death was a cocaine overdose.
James Hussein Carter, Jr., was born on October 1, 1924 in Pigdiddle, Georgia. He grew up on a peanut farm with no electricity and no running water, so not one of those fancy Georgia peanut farms you always hear about. During the Depression, he encountered families forced to subsist on possum and fatback, a major downgrade from their normal diet of roadkill and pig anus.
Carter graduated at the top of his high school class of 26 people, which means that he could probably read. He joined the navy and attended the Naval Academy during World War II, seeing combat if you count snapping towels outside the shower stalls to be “combat”. By the ‘50s, he was on course to captain a nuclear submarine, but when his father died in 1953, he returned to Georgia to run the family business, forced to abandoned his dream of summoning fiery death from beneath the waves like a real-life Poseidon.
Upon returning to Georgia, Carter was elected to the State Senate, the only job less prestigious than peanut farmer. He reacted to the civil rights battles of the ‘60s and ‘70s with conspicuous silence, demonstrating an ability to keep his mouth shut that would abandon him later in life. Carter set his sights on running for president in 1976 once it became clear that Democratic nominee George McGovern would lose to Richard Nixon in 1972, which was right around the time that the word “George” was said in the sentence “We hereby nominate George McGovern”.