If Greenland Becomes a State, DC Will DEFINITELY Become a State, Right?

And Puerto Rico too, right?

I’m not here to debate the merits of buying Greenland; people laughed when we bought Alaska, but that yielded Jewel and The Deadliest Catch, so I guess you could call that a minor win. The starting point of this article is a hypothetical future in which everything worked out exactly how Trump wanted it to: In this world, Greenland was DTA (down to annex), and we bought Denmark off with Lion King tickets and free Chick-fil-A biscuits for life. Imagine the treaty-signing ceremony — picture Trump triumphantly shaking hands with whoever the fuck runs Greenland, probably Santa Claus.¹ Greenland is becoming a new state, but…they’re not becoming the 51st state, are they? Because there’s no fucking way that an island with no prior connection to the U.S. and the population of Pocatello, Idaho would become a state before Washington, DC and Puerto Rico.

Right?

Greenland seems lovely. It’s a rustic landscape of the sort that’s common in fantasy video games — I can picture myself running across that terrain searching for the Helm of Füulkrag, or some such bullshit. The people are obviously resourceful, because they’ve survived in a place that makes Boston seem like the Cayman Islands, and their connection to Denmark must have given them an anti-Danish sentiment that I heartily endorse. If they want to switch teams, I say: umiarsuarmi tikilluaqqusaagut (welcome aboard)! But I can’t see any logic that would justify Greenland becoming a state while DC and Puerto Rico are locked out.

Greenland would obviously make statehood a condition of joining the US. They have representation in Danish parliament, plus a good amount of autonomy; they’re not going to level down by losing the ability to vote for national leaders. So, they’d be a state, with three electoral votes, a House member, and the same number of senators as California. And all that would be true despite the fact that Greenland’s entire population would only half-fill the University of Michigan football stadium.

Washington, DC has more than twelve times Greenland’s population: 678,972 to 56,000. DC has more people than Wyoming and Vermont and almost as many as Alaska and North Dakota. The city’s small size compared to most states is often cited as a reason for denying statehood, though Republicans have also been know to summon ridiculously contrived arguments against statehood, such as ”DC lacks timber production” and ”it doesn’t have a car dealership”. Personally, I think those arguments are transparent excuses to keep two likely Democratic votes out of the Senate — Republicans might as well say “DC can’t be a state because it produces no talc”, or “no statehood without a McDonald’s that has a play place with those springy fry guys.” Their reasoning is clearly arbitrary.

But if there is a size requirement for statehood — and maybe there should be! — an obvious one would be: Your population must be at least as large as an existing US state. DC meets this criteria, and Puerto Rico meets it handily (they have 3.2 million people, larger than 19 states). But Greenland falls short, and would still fall short even if you multiplied their population by ten.

Washingtonians pay all federal taxes and have for as long as those taxes have existed. We — and yes, it’s “we”, I’m one of the 678,972 — pay more tax per capita than any state. We even pay more in aggregate than 19 states. Puerto Ricans are exempt from some federal taxes, which is one reason why when Puerto Rico votes on statehood, the vote is usually close. Greenland has never paid a single dollar of US income tax, though I don’t blame Greenland for that: I’d chalk that up to them being a whole other fuckin’ country. But were there a dues requirement for statehood, DC has definitely paid it, Puerto Rico has arguably paid it, and Greenland has definitely not.

Washingtonians and Puerto Ricans serve in the US military, and both can be drafted. Puerto Ricans have fought in every major US conflict since World War I, and Washingtonians have fought since back when the Barbary Pirates were in the midst of their fuck-around-and-find-out phase. Greenlanders — once again for reasons that are totally understandable — have made no major contributions to the US military. I suspect that the one Vietnam vet with joint US-Greenlandic citizenship will pop up in the comments section and say “how dare you”, to which I say: My apologies, Private Grønvold, and thank you for your service. But the fact remains: Americans have fought for America far more than Greenlanders have.

Washingtonians speak English, except for my son, who speaks nothing on account of baby, but he’ll get there. Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, which is spoken by 41 million Americans, possibly including Hilaria Baldwin (but probably not). 80 percent of Greenlanders speak Greenlandic, and be honest: Did you know that Greenlandic was a language prior to this sentence? I didn’t. Many of the remaining 20 percent speak Danish, which in the US is a feel-free-to-talk-shit-about-the-other-people-in-the-elevator-because-there’s-no-chance-they’ll-understand-you language. It’s ironic that some MAGA types who shit a cinder block every time they have to press “1” for English are now eager to add a state where English is a third-place language at best. And it’s galling to hear people who make the “can’t culturally integrate” argument against people who are already citizens of this country not raise an eyebrow about people who don’t speak English and enjoy eating whale skin and seal blubber.

If Greenland can become a state, then DC and Puerto Rico can obviously become states. DC clearly wants it — a statehood referendum in 2016 passed 85-15, and the 23rd Amendment issues are solvable.² Puerto Rico’s statehood referendum history is messy, but 57 percent voted for statehood in a referendum last November. So: The people want it, any reasonable criteria for statehood seems to have been met, I don’t like to attack people’s motivations, but it’s hard to see what arguments exist against statehood that don’t boil down to bald partisanship or racism.

But maybe I’m wrong, so: Let’s hear the principled arguments! I truly would like to know why the people of DC and Puerto Rico should have all the obligations of citizenship but only some of the benefits.³ Maybe it’s because DC lacks a water park, or because the Wizards are the NBA’s tipped over port-a-potty, or because go-go is obviously just funk music with a different name. I’m honestly with you on that last one — it’s just funk, we’re not fooling anyone. Nonetheless: I still think we should have senators.

I’m open to a conversation about Greenland. I’d like to hear why proponents of the purchase think it’s a good idea. And I’m curious to hear if they can summon any arguments for incorporating Greenland that don’t apply as well or better to DC and Puerto Rico. If I use all my powers of imagination, I can imagine Greenland becoming a state. But I can’t imagine it becoming a state before much larger polities full of tax paying American citizens do.

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1. Actually, upon further research, Greenland is led by Prime Minister Múte Bourup Egede. Santa is the opposition leader.

2. If you don’t want to read the document behind the link, here’s the issue in a nutshell: The 23rd Amendment gives three electoral votes to the District of Columbia, and if DC becomes a state, those electoral votes go away. So, here’s the fix, which is captured in DC statehood legislation: The District of Columbia still exists, but it shrinks in size to just be the Capitol, National Mall, White House, and other important federal buildings. This is good anyway because those lands would continue to be federally administered — if you’re worried about the DC government seizing the Jefferson Memorial by force, fear not. There’s precedent for this; DC’s boundaries have changed before. The land AROUND those buildings — where people actually live — would become a new state called Washington, Douglass Commonwealth. If you’re thinking “that’s weird”, it’s not really: DC already has hundreds of embassies, which are little plots of land that are technically other countries, and different parts of the city are already administered by other authorities — National Parks police on the Mall, regular Metro police in other parts of the city, etc. So, the new state gets three electoral votes, we repeal the 23rd Amendment, problem solved.

3. Actually, Washingtonians have all the obligations of citizenship but only some of the benefits, while Puerto Ricans have some of the obligations and some of the benefits.