I Shall Celebrate Pride By Just Being Some Boring Straight Guy

Enjoy your celebration that is not mine!

It’s Pride Month, and you know what that means: trite, tossed-off statements of support from mega-corporations. The titans of capitalism are using their stature to tell the world in a bold, clear voice: “The idea of a doing tweet or something came up in a meeting and the boss said ‘fine, whatever’”. That principled spirit has led to resolute statements of support for LGBTQ+ rights from everyone from fossil fuel companies to makers of military weaponry. Not to mention whatever this is:

A limited-edition box with some sort of vague connection to a not-gay pop star from one of America’s top breakfast “food” providers. Just what the Stonewall rioters explicitly asked for. The Promised Land has been well and truly reached.

How should one celebrate Pride? I would like to know, because — though I will never use the word “ally”, the obnoxious label that is to white liberals what the One True Ring was to denizens of Middle Earth — I would like to be a good human being. In days long ago when I was tolerant of things like early-summer heat and standing, I would sometimes go to the well-kept part of town and attend a Pride parade. I would cheer and wave a little rainbow flag and politely say nothing when the festivities reminded me of this classic Onion headline: