GUEST COLUMN: The United States Has the Best Immigration System in the World!
An opinion from the Sinaloa cartel
Congress is struggling to reform the American immigration system. Polls shows that Americans are highly dissatisfied with the status quo. I’m not sure why — I think the U.S. has an immigration system unmatched anywhere in the world! And I should know: I interact with the system every day as a member of Mexico’s Sinaloa cartel.
I’ve worked in human trafficking for 30 years. I started as a lowly Extortion Liaison when I was just 16. By the time I was 23, I'd been promoted to Brutality Concierge. Now, I'm Chief Exploitation Officer for the entire Sonora region — I'm living my dream! And it's all possible because of the unique, long-standing, and apparently completely unreformable American immigration system.
Let's take a moment to revel in the system's genius. The U.S. has a diverse population, vast natural resources, and persistently low unemployment — perfect conditions for a welcoming, orderly legal immigration system. Tragically, such a system would squeeze out small, family-run crime organizations like the Sinaloa cartel. Thank God America’s current immigration system — with its too-low admittance rates and copious loopholes — allows people like me to thrive! They say Congress is bad at creating jobs, but I say hooey — hooey and poppycock! I made seven figures last year.
Much of the credit needs to go to the American right. For decades, they've labored under the delusion that tighter border controls will stanch the flow of immigrants. They don't seem to realize that unless those policies are paired with expanded legal pathways, the flow of immigrants will just go underground. Thank God they can’t figure that out! I've got a daughter at Dartmouth and a son doing his gap year; a sudden pragmatic turn by the GOP would really hurt my bottom line.
But the right doesn't deserve all the credit: An honorable mention must go to people on the left who view any attempt to enforce immigration laws as racist and mean. These people don't just make the politics of reform more difficult; they also entrench an off-the-books immigration system that leaves immigrants vulnerable to exploitation. Although…”exploitation” and “vulnerable” are loaded terms, aren't they? Instead, let's say that undocumented immigrants are “likely customers” for the “extra-legal migration services" of the type provided by Sinaloa's team of highly-trained (and heavily armed) professionals!
Take the asylum system. For years, Sinaloa has offered a highly popular Platinum Asylum Seekers Package. This VIP migration experience includes a luxury 1,500 mile truck ride and farm-fresh mayonnaise sandwiches for the low price of all-your-money-and-sex-if-we-ask-for-it. In return, our guests get dropped off in the wilderness like a sick dog and told to make an asylum claim. And, true: Only about 15-26 percent of applicants (depending how you count) will receive asylum. But those who don't will be able to live in the U.S. for a few years and stand a chance of never being deported. In the meantime, some will work with one of Sinaloa's On-Site Sweatshop Coordinators, who will abuse — no, not “abuse”…they will “extrapolate the logical consequences” of the migrant's quasi-legal status.
When Jorge Aguilar presented the Asylum Package at our annual Regional Managers Team-Building Conference, we thought he was a genius. He won Employee of the Year going away. But we also thought his plan would have a short shelf life — how wrong we were! Incredibly, some Americans remain ignorant of this vacation package despite writeups in Time magazine and the New York Times (great job, marketing team!). Some even criticize Biden from the left when he makes changes in response to the fivefold increase in asylum claims that's occurred in the last eight years. God bless those people! By making immigration a phone booth full of hornets that no sane Democrat would ever enter, they're basically making the down payment on a 30-foot yacht I’ve had my eye on. I think I’m gonna name it “Breezy Livin'“.
Immigration reform in the U.S. Senate is being spearheaded by Krysten Sinema and Thom Tillis. I can't think of a better duo to take on this task. You’ve got Tillis' pragmatism paired with Sinema's coalition-building skills and mastery of the legislative process — this is the dream team. I'm sure I'll love the end-product of their work. I have the utmost faith that America's leaders will continue to uphold their country's arbitrary, cruel, and self-defeating system; they've certainly proved themselves equal to the task thus far. In the opinion of this humble human trafficker who has grown rich ramrodding humans through illicit passageways that cruelly mock their desire for a better life, it's hands-down the best system in the world!
I Might Be Wrong is committed to publishing a diversity of viewpoints from criminal enterprises, cults, and terrorist groups.
 | A guest post by
|
Immigration good, we should have more of it please.
I have for many years carefully explained to people that the obvious answer to “illegal immigration” is to make immigration legal. That both Republicans and Democrats fail to see the clarity of this obvious answer is stunning. But, they claim, this means we will have “open borders.” No, it simply means we will have “controlled borders” with enforced rules and legal processes so people wishing to come to the U.S. can be processed through a legal immigration process to gain legal entry, residency, and the right to work (be employed) and work in the U.S. But some say “too many undesirables” will come and seek entry. Well first, what does “too many” and “undesirable” mean? This is why a legal immigration pathway should have rules and adequate processes to qualify and review immigrant applicants. Surely wise and reasonable people could develop such rules and processes, could they not? Sigh, this is why we continue to fail to solve this problem. We seem to have a severe shortage of wise and reasonable people assigned the task of solving the problem.