Democrats Get out of Bad Relationship, Immediately Rebound While Still Emotional

This is a good way to make decisions, right?

Image from Digital Vision via Getty.

Democrats’ relationship with Joe Biden turned toxic. Though things worked beautifully for years, after the debate, it was clear that Biden could no longer provide what the party needed. This was traumatic for Democrats; we had imagined a future with Biden, and accepting that we had to move on was hard. For a while, we even considered sticking with an obviously-doomed relationship because making a change seemed too difficult. But in the end, we did what we had to do and broke up with Joe.

The paperwork for the breakup went through late on Sunday. As I write this, it is mid-Monday, and Democrats are already with someone else — we’re swooning over Kamala! We’re suddenly realizing that our dream candidate was right under our noses the whole time! The endorsements are flying in — liberals haven’t been this eager to publicly express enthusiasm for something since Hamilton. From bicycle shops in Brooklyn to juice bars in LA — and shockingly few points in between — blue America is Krazy for Kamala!

But, at the risk of being the fungus on the coconut tree, I’d like to speak to Democrats for a minute. Folks…friends. I understand that right now, you’re buzzing — you’re liberated and feeling optimistic for the first time in a long while. The past month was an emotional roller coaster, and you’re invigorated now that Joe is gone — please remember that I was one of the people saying that you should break up with him! But maybe, just maybe it would be wise to just tap the brakes. Maybe don’t rush into a new candidate right away. Because I sort of think that your sudden infatuation with Kamala might be a reaction to how things went with Joe.

I’m not trashing Kamala — she seems swell! Though the way you’re building her up right now is a bit over-the-top. You’re gushing over her credentials as a prosecutor, coalition-builder, and debater; I half expect you to tell me that Kamala farts gumdrops and wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays. My social media feeds are suddenly swamped with Kamala fan art that makes North Korean state media look subtle. And, again, I’m not saying Kamala isn’t great — maybe she is! But would you hate me if I said that your feelings about Kamala are perhaps 1/3 about her and 2/3 about Joe?

I get that you want to get out there and make everyone jealous. You’re eager to be seen paired up with a sexy young 59 year-old with a fully functioning brain. I get that Kamala is a hot property: A normal candidate who will almost certainly live until 2029 and can go off-prompter without sounding like post-stroke Porky Pig? Ooo la la! Again, she’s great, but it’s also true that Kamala is not the only fish in the sea. It might not hurt to see what’s out there before immediately committing to a new relationship.

I can’t help but remember how you felt about Kamala in 2019. Don’t shoot the messenger, but: You flat-out rejected her. You did; you were honestly more into Tulsi Gabbard, and were even a little Bloomberg-curious (thank God that phase passed). You were also very recently arguing that Biden had to stay in the race because Harris was unpopular and couldn’t win. Don’t you remember that? You must remember that — that was June. And, again, this isn’t really about Kamala — maybe you were wrong then and right now — but this hairpin turn makes me wonder if you’re in the best place to make major decisions right now.

And here’s the part that will really make you mad at me: I worry that you might be making the same mistakes with Kamala that you just made with Joe. I know, you’re furious — just hear me out. There are similarities: Joe was the presumptive nominee, so no-one ran against him (except for Dean Phillips, and not to get off topic, but I still think you should call Dean and apologize for the things you said about him). Joe went untested; the lack of a competitive process meant that we didn’t find out if he was up for the job. And voters didn’t get a say; it was just “he’s the nominee, get on board or you’re helping Trump!” I don’t think that’s healthy. And I don’t think that voters like being cut out of the process. I’m sure you’ll say “it’s different this time!” and in some ways, it is! But — and I’m saying this as a friend — it does kind of seem like you’re rushing into things with Kamala the way that you rushed into things with Joe.

I know: Twitter loves Kamala. Well, here’s another hard truth: Twitter is a breeding ground for conformist dimwits. Twitter’s algorithm ensures that only like-minded opinions will pop up on your feed, so it takes mere minutes for the cost of expressing a dissenting opinion to be ratcheted up to absurd levels. I’ll say it again: Very recently Twitter thought that Biden had to stay in the race because Kamala was unelectable. Plus, some of the same people who said that booting Joe for Kamala was racist are now saying that it would be racist to nominate anyone but Kamala. You can’t let Twitter drive your decisions. The reality is that Twitter is a nuclear reactor that turns regular idiots into Godzilla-sized Mega Idiots, and Twitter’s influence is largely why Kamala’s campaign ate shit hard in 2019.

Please remember: I’m saying all this as a friend. I really do want what’s best for you. And maybe the universe does want you to be with Kamala — one more time, she seems super neat-o, this isn’t about her! This is about not rushing into things. This is about tapping the brakes, taking a deep breath, and realizing that this moment — with all its intensity — might not be the best time to make big decisions. Kamala will still be around in a month. Let’s just hit pause, maybe take a break from politics for a few days, and…

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I’m sorry what? You…

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MARRIED!!! WHEN? MONDAY EVENING????

…Lord, give me strength.

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Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! I really, really, really hope it works out.

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