Damn I Miss the Republican Party

And I didn’t even LIKE the Republican Party

**NOTE: People are asking which pieces will be read on my podcast. This one will probably NOT be read on my podcast this week.**

When I was a kid, there were these people called Republicans. They were a stern, joyless lot; if you hit a baseball into their yard, they’d give you a 20 minute lecture about responsibility instead of just throwing it back. They wore sweaters and went to church, and they called anything edgier than The Partridge Family “the devil’s music”, which was a pretty solid advertisement for the devil. My granddad was one of these people, and so was my Scout leader, and so was every asshole who handed out raisins on Halloween.

I did not particularly like these people. I considered anyone who would giggle themselves shitless at the Bob Hope Christmas Special and then forego comedy for the rest of the year to be suspect. But even at a young age, I think I understood that — much like spiders — Republicans played an important role in our ecosystem. I had a babysitter who was very into astrology and made me a drink of thyme and blackberry juice one day when I had a headache. Though I was nine, and knew nothing about politics, and had no opinions about empiricism or the intrinsic value of the open exchange of ideas, when I drank that hippie home remedy I somehow understood: There really needs to be some sort of yin to her yang.